Re-Marriage?

Copyright: Satya Sarada Kandula: All rights reserved.

 

Kavita smiled happily at Vennela. “Akka, Nanna said that I could stay over with you tonight. Since you live alone in this palace of yours, you must be grateful for human company”.

Vennela looked affectionately at Kavita. “The key word is human. Anyway I’ll endure your presence so long as you leave your slippers in the verandah and do not comb your hair in my kitchen.”

“You’re pretty old fashioned for a compulsive globe-trotter” complained Kavita. She kicked her slippers off so that they fell in a corner at angles to each other.

Vennela shook her head. “It’s a matter of hygiene….” she began. “Oh, Akka, please spare me the discourse on The Hygienic Basis of Hindu rituals. I’m hungry.” Kavita checked to see what Vennela was cooking.

Vennela put the finishing touches on her tried and tested Tomato Pappu. She moved the food onto the floor in the dining hall. Kavita looked on with distaste, “When aunty comes she will bring all the nice furniture with her and put some good food on the table. Why must you live like a blessed hermit?”

Vennela leaned over to serve Kavita some food. Kavita’s sharp eyes caught the glint of gold and black on Vennela’s neck. “Akka, you’re wearing a mangalasutram! Why? You’re a single lady now. You don’t need that noose around your neck. Do you still love Bava? He has happily re-settled. You should too.”

“I am not a single lady, Kavita, I’m a single mother.”  Vennela helped herself to her standard fare and looked at Kavita. “Yes, I do still love Bava, don’t you? But that is not why I wear the Mangalasutram. It is not even the one he tied. You know he took that back. Look, this has Vishnu Namas on it. This is effectively a Thulasi Mala.”

Kavita looked around the kitchen to see if there were pickles. “Naalika chacchi pothondi! What bland fare! Single mother, huh? How does that mangalasutram help your son? It will only chase prospective ‘new daddies’ away.”

Vennela laughed, ” The mangalasutram conveys two messages. People who know me through my son generally assume my husband is somewhere else. I let them think so. This makes it easier on the little fellow. People won’t treat him like he’s different. Kids hate that.  It is good for me too. People will suspect that though I am out of a marriage currently, I respect the laws of Hindu marriages. I will not have to deal with many indecent propositions.”

Kavita opened the fridge and stared at the contents with suspicion, “Will you swear that this perugu is less than a hundred years old? Otherwise I shall starve to death and the world will blame you for it!” Then she looked at Vennela and said, “With all these defense systems has anyone ever proposed to you?”

“On and off. One day I had a very bad day at work. And this whole life, past, present and future weighed on my shoulders like an unbearable burden. I burst into tears. Finding the ladies’ room occupied, I sought refuge in the basement stairs of our office. My boss, Deva, came there to smoke a cigarette. Half the office is a non-smoker’s zone.

He observed my plight for a second. Then combining native prudence with insightful compassion he asked me to go home and offered to send the design home for review later on. I shifted my tear-strained face into an auto and was still sobbing, much to the auto-driver’s discomfiture. Then all of a sudden, half – way down, a truck signaled the auto to stop. Av got out of the truck, paid the driver and shooed him off. Then he insisted on dropping me home. He hadn’t changed at all in seven years after college. A wonder that he recognized me.”

Kavita guessed ahead, “Damsel in distress. I must remember that”.

Vennela continued, “Av was very thrilled to see me. He had spent the past years building up a successful small-scale enterprise of his own and didn’t spend any time on himself in this period. He was at the juncture in his life where he wanted someone to share his success with. He had always liked me from college days. Though I didn’t know that. The seven years of my life didn’t make any impression on him. That always surprised me. Anyway he took my son and me to parks and temples and home to meet his parents. He told me how much money he made and what level of a life he would be able to provide me. Vacations in Mauritius and all that…”

Kavita said, “Tall, dark and handsome? In love with you?”

Vennela said, “I guess so. I am vulnerable, badly hurt and not good at human relationships. In all these years I have never been able to know whether a man is interested in me or he not.”

“I see,” said Kavita. “No, I don’t see at all! Why are you living alone with Thulasi Mala style mangalasutrams, eating food that ought to be banned by a special ordinance? Why are you not married to Av and living happily with him and your son? Parents?”

“Mine were okay with the idea…” dragged Vennela.

Kavita said brightly, “I really like aunty and uncle – they’re progressive, forward looking. Not many people get parents like that, they support you in distress and yet encourage you to go build a new life at work and home. You, however, live in the past. Past traditions, past life, past love, past pain.”

Words flowed from Vennela in a torrent. “Those who ignore that past are condemned to repeat it. We must learn from the past. I have to know what went wrong and why, so as not to repeat the mistake. Both Bava and I are responsible for the failure of our marriage. He had the faith and opportunity to move on. Also his parents have only benefited from the new marriage. His new wife was previously married to a rotten creep and is truly grateful for a second chance to live a good life, with a reasonable man.

But in my re-marriage, the risks are not mine alone. There is also a risk is to Kanna. I threw caution to the winds when I married Bava. At that time, I thought it was only my life at stake. I was wrong. Kanna was born and the stakes grew higher. When Bava and I dissolved our marriage Kanna lost the closeness of a loving father. Why did a marriage like ours built on so much love fail? Why? Internal factors? His dedication to his career? Av could be the same. My nature? 

External factors? Mother-in-law? With Bava it was just another language, same caste. With Av, it is another language, another caste AND I was once married and once kidded to coin a term. His mom was not in the least excited about this idea. Would I approve a single mother as a prospective wife for Kanna? Would you accept such a daughter-in-law or such a sister-in-law?

Wounded as I am, I am not confident that I can really handle all the complex people dynamics. Kanna might not be accepted on par with other potential children and grandchildren and nephews by the whole family. There would be just that touch of reserve and discomfort that a small child like Kanna can sense but cannot understand.

 The position of a woman in Indian marriages is the second place. This is not what it should be. But it is. With that position can I secure equality for Kanna?”

Also, who would care for Amma and Nanna? There may be a point at which they need some help, physical and financial.” 

Both of them stood in the kitchen not cleaning up. Not minding the water on the gas stove.

“Akka, I cannot accept your solution. You are a woman with physical, emotional and social needs. If you neglect yourself, it cannot be good for you, your parents or son. I know that Manu Dharma Shastra says that a woman with a son need not re-marry. I read too, you know. But I don’t think this is fair to you in particular and to women in general.

 You have traveled to so many countries – even to America. So many women remarry there, didn’t you talk to any of them?” asked Kavita.

Vennela answered, “Yes dear, I did talk to many women, working class, managers., what have you.  And this is the summary :‘HIS CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CHILDREN.‘ So many of them, even my manager, wept when they remembered how their children by their first marriage turned out… and when they recalled how helpless they were. To leave now would be to sacrifice the new common children. One man who had married a woman with a child by a previous marriage told me how that lady works at two jobs to give HER child a good education.

You called me regressive many times, darling, in your anxiety that I should not lose out on life. But I have seen where many mothers who progressed in the path of remarriage have reached. That is not where I want to land.

The world can see that my marriage with Bava failed. Because we admitted it and ended it. But how many people hang in there, in misery or domination or deceit or abuse or delusion? How many people even recognize their state? Perhaps it is not my marriage that failed. Perhaps it is the institution of marriage that is failing.

 And yet I am happy to see my younger sister married, as I will be happy to see you married. I would even want Kanna married at the right time.”

Kavita turned around to see all the water in the pot evaporated. She turned off the stove thoughtfully.

Kavita looked at Vennela, “Then you do understand that marriage is about love, companionship and having someone on your side through the pain that life can sometimes be. Love, or the illusion of love is what makes us want to live. You are saying that marriage is good, but that re-marriage for a single mother is risky. Life itself is risky. You have become risk-averse and insecure. Don’t hide behind kanna, uncle, aunty and thulasi malas. Have the faith and courage that Bava has. Opportunities will come to you. Don’t ask, can it work? Ask, how can I make it work? Cook good food. Keep a beautiful home. Dress attractively. Be hopeful. Live well. Be brave. Show other single mothers that life can be fun, fruitful and beautiful, Vennela.”

 “That, I will” said Vennela. Now Kavita smiled.  “And re-marriage?” asked Kavita. “That too. I promise. Give me time to heal,” smiled Vennela.

 16/1/2005.

Akka – Older sister

Bava – Sister’s husband

Mangalasutram – Auspicious Thread – worn by married womeen.

Vishnu Nama : Here Symbols of Vishnu, also names of Vishnu.

Tomato pappu – A dish made of Lentils and Tomatoes and Spices.
Naalika chacchi pothondi – Lit. Tounge is dying – implying that food is not tasty.
Perugu – yogurt

Thulasi Mala – A holy garland of basil beads. Dear to Vishnu.