Family and Relationships

Understanding family: Sunday August 13, 2006 – 08:31pm (PST)

Misleading heading of course. It does not mean that I have an understanding family… it means that I need to understand my family and it needs to understand me.

Being physically present in an office most of my waking hours and being psychologically absent the rest of the time, seems to have resulted in not knowing my folks and their not knowing me.

My parents don’t want to understand me., they think they already do. They want to cure my problems by changing me., they don’t want to listen to who I am. I think my son has this same problem with me. He gets my advice when he needs my sympathy. And he gives me advice when I need understanding.

I guess we have a caring family, but definitely not an understanding family. Many people think we have a good family. Because we are financially independent and help others. We are “moral” in the generally understood sense. We live together. Stuff like that.

We fight all the time. Because we don’t understand each other and we have to yell to be understood. Even temporarily.

But we all need each other for some reason or the other. That is why we stay together. While we certainly don’t meet all of each others needs, there must be some needs that we are meeting.

I don’t know what it is that keeps us all together. But I think this is what makes other people say that we are a good family.

Relationships: The right distance

Everyone I know wants to maintain a ‘certain distance’ in our relationship. That distance is never as close as I need. This is probably why I write.

Yet the distance they select is close enough that everyone I know has demands on my time and energy that they consider legitimate. They don’t let go.

Everyone I know has certain favours that they wish to confer upon me, depending on their perception of my need, and their comfort about what they can do.

Everyone I know has certain favours that they wish of (from) me, depending on their perception of my ability, and their own need. These they present – in the nature of demands.

This is why none of my relationships today are internally satisfying to me.

This is why I am a recluse: even though I know so many people.

Superficial relationships don’t interest me and close relationships don’t interest them.

There are some formal relationships I enter into such as employment because I need money for things I want/have to do. And all the relationships that such an employment generates. I have a host of those.

There are some relationships that are generated because of ties of blood and matrimony. Family.. relatives.

Some are generated because of other organisations that I have belonged to: schools, colleges, religious and spiritual institutions.

And naturally, neighbours and tradesmen depending on where I live.

People who have more resources to share and more willingness to share them attract more people. ie the wealthy (in any sense – money, spirit, ideas, time….) and the generous.

Some people can inspire loyalty in others, provided of course, that those others have loyalty in their nature to begin with. These people have a fundamental ability to ’stand by’ others and to protect their interests.

What attracts people to me? Power, when I have it. Though I have yet to learn how to use power. Attractiveness, to those who find my appearance/gender attractive. Ideas, to those who have problems that need (original) ideas to solve them. Ideas, again, to those who are interested in ideas. Money, when I have it, to those who need or value money. Affection, to those who need love. Compassion, to those who need that. Glamour, when I have it, to people who have glamour for power, beauty, money and achievement.

What attracts me to people? Love for me, Attractive appearance, Ideas, Experience, Conversational Ability, Creativity, Time for me, Liveliness, Attentiveness, Admiration, the idea that I am needed, the ability to understand my ideas, receptivity to my ideas, understanding my nature and liking my nature.