Brain for rent
For the first two decades of my life the world had exclusive rights to programming my brain.
For the next two decades, I rented it out to universities and corporates: for money.
For what I think will be the last or maybe third two decades of my life… I want to exclusive rights to my brain.
What I think and and what I think about.
All I want to do is to think, read, and write for my own pleasure, to be free…
Sunday October 22, 2006 – 07:55pm (PST)
RanChod: One who leaves the battlefield
Krishna was called a RanChod. After getting sick of repeated attacks by Jarasandha, Krishna built an island city : Dwaraka. He moved there with all his subjects.
How is this relevant to me? A close friend recently said that I ‘run away’. There is some truth in this. I have frequently though of myself as the runaway bride. I have ‘run away’ or ‘left’ from relationships, places and jobs.
The un-apparent truth is that I am chased out. When I fell in love with Srini, he was in all manner of problems. I stuck by him through all that. He began to love me also and we did get married. When all his problems were solved and he was properly re-instated with his parents, the equations changed. Srini’s parents wanted domination, though Srini did not. I resisted domination, which Indian women are not expected to do. They became my foes. They made my life difficult. The choice was between subordination, daily power struggle or leaving. I left them. And I left Srini with them.
My independent spirit will not accept domination. I assert my rights. My desire for harmony does not like the daily power struggle that my in-laws, colleagues or parents want. My talent and courage ensures that I have choices.The choice I exercise is leaving. I know that the story will repeat in a new place.
The first moment is when a peer tries to co-erce or dominate me: as has happened recently at college in my new job. I resisted by escalating to the authority. This incident is sorted out and I am free of this.
The next moment is retaliation. Now that thwarted guy will wait to retaliate. His manner can be a series of minor irritants and barbs OR intelligent chess moves. My previous manager played a discrediting game where he talked all around and up and said that the successes of my team were not because of me. I can be worn out by barbs and I do not have the stomach or the brains to play organizational chess.
I start to look for alternatives, the next place to go to. In my leaving, is a confidence that the organization or person will have more to lose than I will. This is because I am, a giving and a serving kind of a person. I work very hard and love very deeply. I am also self-denying and can live on very little.
I have worked well with managers and peers who have no need to dominate. I relate to friends, relatives and people who have no need for domination or one-upmanship.
I can live without sugar. But I cannot live with red ants. So, I move. I try to live on that part of the curve between polite newness and the start of the dog-fights. I try to do as much as I can in that short time frame. I try to keep that time frame long, by keeping a low profile for the time possible. I win some respect and some love. I keep some friends.
Saturday October 7, 2006 – 09:28pm (PST)
‘Stability’ and the system
People preach to me about being stable in a job: more so since I returned to the software industry.
The system in organisations is designed to favour long-termers. For eg. in I&D, if you join as a manager, you are weaker in the politics, in position. Of the incentive pool that is available, less is given to the new comers, it is harder to get projects. You are trying hard to deliver, to belong, to get noticed, to build relationships. The organisation is at the same time trying to weed out “lower contributors”. The persons who join new are given less to do and need to figure out how to contribute more. If they succeed in contributing more, they are subject to political conspiracies.
I have contributed significantly more in the short durations that I have been in any organisation, than people who have politicked and “aligned” their ways into long term stays in organisations.
I have proved time and again that duration has little to with contribution, I guess that is just a HR thing. People who have no other way of judging the value that a person brings to the organisation, use principles like this and make statements like that.
Resigning
Did I resign because I failed., or did I fail because I resigned?
Or did I resign because I won over my self., or did I win because I resigned…
Monday July 31, 2006 – 10:06pm (PST)
43 not out!!!
I’m 43 today even by the Indian calendar.
When I was 18, I wanted to understand the world. I have read thousands of books and interacted with thousands of people and lived about 15480 days. I may live another 15000 days. I have earned and spent millions of rupees and saved some part of that. I am happy about this.
No day of my life was like any other. My life is unique by many standards. Not because I faced unique problems, but because I came up with unique solutions and then to solutions that those problems brought up.
My mind is unique because it has gathered, processed and synthesised knowledge from many fields. I am good at analysis, abstraction and design. My predictions are accurate.
I have a model of the world and of society. I have a low opinion of human beings in general. Humans use their cortex (higher intelligence) to serve their reptilian impulses (lower needs). But their speech is full of lies and hypocrisy. Their actions serve their greed and their insecurities. Humans are nothing to write home about.
I have a very high opinion of individual humans. The thinkers, the creators, the humanitarians, the ecologists, … . Individual humans have achieved pinnacles of understanding, service, reform, love and creativity. the individuals who I worship have always been given a bad time by society. Either for a part of their lives, or, for all of their lives and may be even after it. Their work has served the interests of the selfish and the foolish.
In human society, power wins. Power is with the wealthy, the politicians and those in positions of importance and control. People rarely use their power for the good of the ecosystem, of the living or even of other humans.
My father and his father saw the power of self-denial, truth and non-violence. I have seen the rise of terrorism, the power of fundamentalism, corruption and co-ercion by those who can. I have seen disregard for others: whether in endangering others to get a minute ahead on the road or destroying their livelihoods to get ahead in their careers.
I have seen the rise of TV serials which talk of evil family members out to get each other replace the ‘moral’ and ‘idealistic’ stories of a previous decades.
Power and money as a means to achieve it are the value system of commonest of individuals.
I have tried to survive by creating oases. An oasis of unpolluted air in my car. An oasis of divine thoughts in my mind. An oasis of human values in my home.
When I try to extend my influence beyond myself, I get into trouble with the society. I sometimes land up with less than before.
Students do not want to learn, nor teachers to teach, employers want to exploit employees and vice versa. Neither the corporate, nor the government feel any social responsibility beyond what they can be co-erced into. And to co-erce the powerful you need even more power. Gandhi found it in self-denial and non-co-operation and Chanakya in strategy.
What is my source of power? With what shall I bring order and reform into the world? How will we keep a clean environment, a healthy eco-system, organised traffic, a fair and people focussed administration, social harmony and peace… and all the rest…
Because that is what I want for my birthday and for ever after. So, God, if you are listening… please…
Saturday September 30, 2006 – 10:33pm (PST)
The problem I have worked on… having fun living…
Einstein thought all his life about the nature of time. Therefore he came up with the relativity insight that was a huge step for humanity.
Dell thought about how to make better, cheaper computers and he created a 50 billion dollat MNC.
What have I thought about all my life?
I have thought about the next fun thing to do.
I thought it would be fun to study in Mysore and I thought it was fun studying Engg. I thought it was fun to have a boyfriend and that it would be sad not to ‘get him’.
I thought it was fun to teach and fun to act in movies, that it was fun to cook and clean and to spend time with my husband.
I thought it would be fun to be a mom and that it was fun raising my son. I thought it would be fun to do Master’s degree…..
…..it wasn’t fun do a Master’s degree with a little baby….
I thought it would be fun to work in a corporate… it was fun… but it was tough doing the single working mom thing….
Though it was tough, I think it was more fun than doing the being a service provider in a joint family (ie the daughter-in-law) thing…
There is no daughter-in-law in the world that I have met, that I wanted to change places with….
I thought it would be fun to be divorced, but it was lonely actually…
It was and is fun to write and to talk to people, to be free and not unduly bothered and to have friends and family.
All my life I have always done what I thought would be fun and hesitated to do what might not be fun. I was not always right in my predictions of what would or would not be fun., and I have learnt a bit from my mistakes.
Fun is what I am about, what Nanna is about, what Kanna is about, what my niece is about and what Srini was about.
.. Uncle was right.. I have not achieved as high a designation as some of my peers .. but I have had the most fun.. or at least I have tried my best.
No day of my life has been like any other.. I am Aesop’s grasshopper..
Tuesday September 19, 2006 – 01:08pm (PST)
The despondency of Satya
This title is meant to sound like the first chapter of the Gita.. the despondency if Arjuna.
Well, here are the reasons for my despondency…
I do not have any tools do deal with unreasonable, unfair people with vested agendas. These people exist outside the home and must be dealt with if I have to work. They also exist at home and must be dealt with to live in extended families.
How can you appeal to the decency of the indecent, sense of justice of the unjust, reason with the unreasonable?
You can avoid and withdraw: I do this a lot. You can teach, does not work for me. You can negotiate which requires some limited reasonableness and decency on the other side and at least some short term committment to the contract.
You can threaten and fight, I have done both successfully in the past.
Yet, I have changed now. I do not have the skills, health, energy, patience or optimism of my youth. I guess I am powerless in a sense.
I have great understanding and learning about many things… and I can write those things. There are not many or any to read them. I can do many things with ease. I have other skills now.
I have more courage and integrity now.
I can no longer live on my technical skills or knowledge any more than an old model can live on her looks.
I have aged, the world has changed, my situation is different.
Perhaps I can no longer occupy the places that I used to occupy in the past, or accomplish the things I have done before. I surely cannot bear and raise another child.
I have few friends and definitely none in my neighbourhood. And yet, I am befriending myself, understanding myself, standing up for myself, speaking for myself. So this is good.
Though I have great pain in looking at or thinking about others, I have great joy in turning inward and looking at my own heart and mind and at God.
This is a reversal of my situation 13 years ago. Then there was pain in my heart and fun in the world. Now there is love, beauty and understanding in my heart, but filth in the world.
And I want to withdraw from the world of people, in a sense. I guess this means that I am not open to teaching, negotiating or fighting. I just don’t want to deal with them. I am not willing to give anything to anyone.
I must have been hurt very badly. I may have hit total disillusionment, or vairagyam. Vengeance would not be bad, but I do not want to do anything. Justice would be good. People must acknowledge their fault and publicly apologise to me. They must recognise what I have done for them, feel grateful and show it. They must repent from their hearts for the wrong they have done to me. I should be re-instated with full honour. That may be good.
I don’t know if that will happen. It does not appear likely. And if it did, I don’t think that is what I want to do with my time.
My ill-health gives me a sense of early death. I want to live as long as my son needs or wants me. I somehow think that it will be better for him if I live for another 15 years at least. I think it will be nice for him to have someone on his side who understands him and I think that he and his wife will need help in raising their children at least till they are 10 years old. This is how I see myself in the context of my son’s future. I don’t like people who see me as a burden on him. Maybe that is how they see their parents. I have always seen my parents as a source of love, understanding and strength all these years. It is only in the past 4 years that I am seeing their weaknesses, selfishness, fraility and unreasonableness. More than anything, I see their lack of understanding of me. As I am and as I have been and as I will be.
Sunday August 20, 2006 – 01:55am (PST)
To PhD. or not to PhD.
To be a professor, one needs a PhD.
I think this is the wrong reason to do a doctorate.
I should do a PhD. if that is what I want to do and if I can afford to do it.
I may be eligible for a bunch of things. I may have the opportunity to do a bunch of things. It may be imperative for me to do a bunch of things.
The question is what do I want to do. What do I need to do.
Tuesday September 19, 2006 – 12:13pm (PST)
Taking on too much
Sometimes, the minimum necessary is too much. Is it necessary to educate Gautham abroad? Is it necessary to work as a software professional? Is it necessary to defend the weak and hurt? Is it necessary to stand up for women’s causes? Is it necessary to win at work?
Am I fighting beyond what is reasonable? Am I giving in too soon? Can I change the minds of blockheads and the hearts of crooks?
How great is the cause I am fighting for? How right is the method that I am using?
Have I sufficient professional and personal integrity to withstand the personal attacks that are being made on me when I stand up for a cause?
Should I re-start elsewhere?
Tuesday July 11, 2006 – 06:38pm (PST)
Conflicting Emotions
At a spiritual level, everything that happens to me is for me to evolve,
At an astrological level, everything happens because it is pre-ordained (either as a result of what we have already done (karma) or as a result of what we have planned (destiny – karaka janma),
At a human level, a lot of bad things happen because there is injustice in the world, because people who have a choice between right and wrong, often choose wrong because of their selfishness and insecurities.
While I may have no anger against a Tsunami because that is a “Natural Disaster”., I am angry with war-mongers and crooks, because I think that they can help themselves.
My emotion indicates to me that I believe that people have a choice, that people have free will. It may be limited, but it exists.
Therefore, there is a conflict in me. I believe in destiny and karma: but I also believe in free will. This is why I am angry with malevolent, sadistic, selfish people. This is why I am angry in a society which prefers incompetent manipulators to competent deliverers.
I know environment and genes shape people and the pressures they are under constrain their choices., but I know/believe that whenever a person chooses away from compulsions of nature, nurture and circumstances., and chooses to do what they believe is good, then nature herself will give way.
Good is the good of all. Not just the good of the majority and not just most of the time.
Today, I am burning at the injustice that has been done to me. I would like those who have wronged me, to burn in this flame of my anger and be reduced to ashes. Today, I believe in free will. Today, I believe that my enemies hurt me out of choice and intentionally. Today, I am unforgiving. Today, I would like the system that caused me so much pain, to be completely destroyed and completely replaced with a healthy and fair system.
Today, I checked my horoscope. So today, I believe in destiny and pre-ordained events. Today, I believe that good times are ahead.
Today, I spent time in meditation. So today, I connected with the God in my heart. Today, I believe, that all that happens to us is for us to evolve. Today, I believe that God is in all hearts and that he is the doer. This thought calms my heart and cools my fire. I am close to forgiveness.
Monday July 24, 2006 – 09:54am (PST)
Understanding family
Misleading heading of course. It does not mean that I have an understanding family… it means that I need to understand my family and it needs to understand me.
Being physically present in an office most of my waking hours and being psychologically absent the rest of the time, seems to have resulted in not knowing my folks and their not knowing me.
My parents don’t want to understand me., they think they already do. They want to cure my problems by changing me., they don’t want to listen to who I am. I think my son has this same problem with me. He gets my advice when he needs my sympathy. And he gives me advice when I need understanding.
I guess we have a caring family, but definitely not an understanding family. Many people think we have a good family. Because we are financially independent and help others. We are “moral” in the generally understood sense. We live together. Stuff like that.
We fight all the time. Because we don’t understand each other and we have to yell to be understood. Even temporarily.
But we all need each other for some reason or the other. That is why we stay together. While we certainly don’t meet all of each others needs, there must be some needs that we are meeting.
I don’t know what it is that keeps us all together. But I think this is what makes other people say that we are a good family.
Sunday August 13, 2006 – 08:31pm (PST) Edit | Delete | Comments: 0
Relationships: The right distance
Everyone I know wants to maintain a ‘certain distance’ in our relationship. That distance is never as close as I need. This is probably why I write.
Yet the distance they select is close enough that everyone I know has demands on my time and energy that they consider legitimate. They don’t let go.
Everyone I know has certain favours that they wish to confer upon me, depending on their perception of my need, and their comfort about what they can do.
Everyone I know has certain favours that they wish of (from) me, depending on their perception of my ability, and their own need. These they present – in the nature of demands.
This is why none of my relationships today are internally satisfying to me.
This is why I am a recluse: even though I know so many people.
Superficial relationships don’t interest me and close relationships don’t interest them.
There are some formal relationships I enter into such as employment because I need money for things I want/have to do. And all the relationships that such an employment generates. I have a host of those.
There are some relationships that are generated because of ties of blood and matrimony. Family.. relatives.
Some are generated because of other organisations that I have belonged to: schools, colleges, religious and spiritual institutions.
And naturally, neighbours and tradesmen depending on where I live.
People who have more resources to share and more willingness to share them attract more people. ie the wealthy (in any sense – money, spirit, ideas, time….) and the generous.
Some people can inspire loyalty in others, provided of course, that those others have loyalty in their nature to begin with. These people have a fundamental ability to ‘stand by’ others and to protect their interests.
What attracts people to me? Power, when I have it. Though I have yet to learn how to use power. Attractiveness, to those who find my appearance/gender attractive. Ideas, to those who have problems that need (original) ideas to solve them. Ideas, again, to those who are interested in ideas. Money, when I have it, to those who need or value money. Affection, to those who need love. Compassion, to those who need that. Glamour, when I have it, to people who have glamour for power, beauty, money and achievement.
What attracts me to people? Love for me, Attractive appearance, Ideas, Experience, Conversational Ability, Creativity, Time for me, Liveliness, Attentiveness, Admiration, the idea that I am needed, the ability to understand my ideas, receptivity to my ideas, understanding my nature and liking my nature.
