Should a Mother Work?

A lot depends on the circumstances naturally. But a working mother becomes dependent on others for raising her children. For the actual act of raising her children. For feeding and caring for them and for training them. In our society it is still her role. And a husband or parents-in-law or parents are only helping her do ‘her’ duty.After a lifetime of struggle trying to be a single mother, I feel that it is much better to depend on a spouse than on parents and in-laws.
A married couple is a whole. With father to bring food and the mother to feed the child, you have the best possible working arrangement. There is not much point in a single mother hoping that a broad-minded handsome prince will rescue her and share the responsibilities of raising her child. If a woman divorcee get married, then she is likely to be one without “encumbrances” as children are painfully referred to.

 

The father of the child is the only one in the world who owes as much to the child as the mother. The only one who will be willing to do as much.

 

The whole world may be willing to share in the joy of a child, but few will be willing to change nappies, give up pleasures, fund education and generally commit to the child, the way a parent will.

It is in the mother’s interest to choose a good husband and depend only on him. The question of widows comes up. A widow is not single by choice. But if the woman in question does have a choice, wisdom consists of relying and depending on the husband and father and not on anyone else. What if it is the father who wants the mother to work? Well, then hopefully, he will share in the care of the child. Which frankly, I have seen very little of.

What if the mother hates child care and loves to work? Then she should seriously consider whether she wants to be a mother. Such women could be career women or marry men who love child care or men who do not want children.

But many women love to be moms, it fulfils and defines them. Most of them are wise enough to marry well and take the primary care-giver’s role with respect to their children. These mothers are fine.

The problem arises with foolish women such as myself, who know nothing about the world. I married for love at an age and time, when my husband was not financially stable. Both of us were still students, dependent on our parents.Then I started to work… this led to its own brand of problems, with my in-laws complaining that I did not take proper care of the home.

I married a person who worked 24 hours at his career, but did not yet bring in any steady income. Not his fault. I had wanted to marry him. It was my lack of wisdom.

I married into a family where working women were non-existent. No one understood how strained I was to drive on a two wheeler to the other end of the city, work non-stop all day and drive back. They reserved work for me such as carrying water, cleaning baby poo preserved from the morning. I was an outsider in every sense of the word.

I left that family and with that in effect, I left my husband. My parents’ family encouraged me to work and study, to be financially self-reliant. They did not understand how much it meant to me to be a mom. My mom was working too. So I had to leave my son in the hands of paid lower-class care givers. These undependable women were forced to leave their own children with other care-givers. So they were irregular.  I left my child in creches. My child hated them. They were not clean, he fell sick often. He often begged to be alone at home. Sometimes I sent him to school with medicines in his lunch box. This brings tears to my eyes even today when I think back.

I think my mom thinks that today after 14 years of my single life, someone will come along and marry me. My father thinks that today after a life time of exhaustion, I have the desire or energy to do a PhD or become a CEO. And to all my neighbours who ask me, aren’t you bored to stay at home? The only reason I had to work all these years, is that there was no one who offered to feed me, while I cared for my son. Not my parents, friends, relatives or ex-husband/in-laws. No one.

I have had to earn every morsel that I ate or fed my son. After working all these years, I do not have a house to call my own. I live in my parents’ house. More work to do, if I want a house of my own. Sigh!

I have tried to do my best by my son and he is grateful and loving. A fine young 18 year old. But it was very hard both for him and for me. We have paid a very high price.

Monday July 2, 2007 – 03:32am (IST)

Note Added on 24th Jan 2009: Change of  Mind.

I have had this reason to modify my opinion on this matter. I met a lady who is married to a successful, providing, abusive man, who hides his incapacity for intimacy behind excessive formality and domination. Her children hate their dad even as they spend his money. She is his cook and service provider. No career or independent social status. The children are grown now and making their own lives. She is lonely, depressed and helpless. Perhaps what has to change in my country is they way men treat their women. I have met very few men who even understand any woman, be it mother, sister, wife or colleague or friend.

I have  met a lady abandoned in her old age by a husband to whom she devoted her youth. She is trying to build up her career now on an education 40 years out of date. She has no children and lavished her love on the children of relatives and service on ungrateful, cold parents-in-law, who turned her out, some time after her husband lfet her. I wish she had a career.

I wish some of the places where I worked had dependable creches, where I could have checked in on my son during the day. I wish the state would provide for single mothers who need to raise their children on their own and would like to care for them. I don’t want women to be trapped in bad marriages for the sake of children who will grow up and grow away. Girls need professional  educations and careers because in the evenings of their life, that is what will save them, if their husbands leave them and children grow away. In an increasingly individualistic society, women need to look out for themselves as well as for their children.