I feel pressurised to join a Ph D. program because if I don’t join now, I will be too late to join IISc later.
The VTU system will force me to do research in a sub-standard organization under some blithering i.
I have not found how to bow like a blade of grass in unfavourable weather.
I cant shut up in meetings, I cant stop taking initiative and I dont have energy.
I have neither the energy to fight nor do I have the energy to slave. And I do not have the knack of avoiding/deflecting work, taking credit and assigning blame.
As usual I will run.
Yesterday for the first time, I was praying for death, that merciful eternal rest as I hope it is.
The thing is that I feel I have a beautiful, lovely mind capable of understanding and doing so much. But it is a very unhappy mind that does not know how to look after itself and that people want to enslave to their purposes. It is a mind they should listen to and follow, not a mind that they should prostitute to their mean purposes.
But I am so weak. I have no energy to drive other minds and no strength to resist domination. I also have no more nergy to follow the whims of other minds.
I need contact with minds that are willing to be illuminated by mine and take what knowledge and insights they can find and use it to better themselves or the world in some way.
The only contact I enjoy is with my son and a few of his batch mates (my good students). I cannot survive any more as a VTU teacher, which requires me to enforce discipline, build character, ignite minds, cast them into a VTU mould, write question papers in meaningless formats, take meaningless orders from those incapable of managing their time and bow to idiots.
I cannot drive an idiot mind.
I can live like a Rishi of the yore, learning, contemplating, sharing my thoughts with the worthy, in a simple, quiet way. If I am allowed to live that way I can continue for another 10 years may be.
That is why I think that VU and IISc are for me.
I cannot do the MSRIT thing much longer unless something gives.
Maybe I need to spend my conversation and my energy judiciously like a couple of my colleagues and practice the vow of silence in meetings.
Maybe I avoid physical, mental and verbal contact with teachers who are selfish and those who do not actively like me. Seek no one out.
I think my days of “doing” are over. I was a great executive, but I am old, tired and unwell now.
I have no energy to execute my ideas or the ideas of others.
In MSRIT there are too many with idiot ideas looking for others to execute them.
I cannot bear contact with idiot minds.
I flourish and blossom in contact with beautiful minds.
Sunday October 21, 2007 – 10:16am (IST)
